See, Rent, No: Movies For the Month

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs – No



The third installment of the Fox animated feature franchise will be shown in 3D. I have never seen any of the other Ice Age movies, and, while I am sure they are humorous, I am not about to start.

Public Enemies – SEE



Johnny Depp and Christian Bale star in Michael Mann’s film adaptation of the non-fiction book Public Enemies: America's Greatest Crime Wave and the Birth of the FBI, 1933–34 by Bryan Burrough. TNT is actually playing a special ad for this movie right now as I am typing this, which just goes to show you the kind of power Depp and Bale possess. And I can only estimate the level to which it is amplified when they are together. I have been waiting months for this movie to come out and pretty much nothing will stop me from seeing this beautiful masterpiece this weekend.

Bruno – Rent



I know this is going to be even more hilarious than Borat, which I’m sure many people never thought possible. I just have a feeling. Anyway, as amazing as it will be to see Sacha Baron Cohen traipse around dressed as a gay Austrian fashionisto (“o,” yes?) for this mockumentary, I don’t think it will be a good choice for theaters. Either the rest of the audience will be laughing too loud for me to hear anything or I will have to endure an hour and a half of listening to the kind of things public school kids get suspended for saying. Not gonna do it.

I Love You, Beth Cooper – No



Some incredibly trite end-of-high-school-coming-of-age comedy involving a nerd boy doing things he never thought he’d do at the end of this era for the girl he loves. I simply cannot understand how this movie was given wide release and not released straight to DVD. The poster for this movie holds more interest and is less of a train wreck to look at than the trailer, which is a terrible sign. And this might not make any sense, but the male lead in this movie, this Paul Rust guy, his face looks like straight-to-DVD material.

Blood: The Last Vampire – No



Anime. Pass.

Humpday – No



It’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno, but with two heterosexual male friends. I don’t see a way this movie could be any less original. Like at all.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – SEE



The sixth film in the Harry Potter film franchise needs no explanation. A Harry Potter movie marathon has been planned, and I am stocking up on theater snacks and purchasing my tickets now.

500 Days of Summer – Rent



The title is a lot more cutesy/literal than it sounds. This movie examines the demise of a young man’s relationship with a curious girl named Summer. I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt and this movie has been getting sensational buzz since before it premiered at Sundance, so it is pretty much a must-see. However, I am not willing to risk paying for a movie theater experience that could potentially be ruined by Zooey Deschanel’s annoyingness (I am so sorry, Emily). So, Netflix it is!

G-Force – Rent



Secret agent guinea pigs are tasked with stopping an evil villain but then their mission is thwarted and they are sent to a pet shop. The team must break out and stop the villain before it is too late! If the likes of Steve Buscemi, Bill Nighy (YES, I know), Nicholas Cage and Tracy Morgan weren’t in this, I would probably have little to no interest. But they are so I do!

Orphan – No



A couple adopts a 9-year-old girl who is evil and the mother tries to convince her family of that as strange and terrible things start happening. Vera Farmiga stars in this as the mother, which is incredibly confusing to me because this is so far below her normal film quality standards. Anyway, I get really angry whenever I walk by the poster for this film because it is so creepy and I should be able to walk to the ladies’ room before my showing time in peace.

The Ugly Truth – Rent



A producer gets help finding dates from her chauvinistic correspondent and they probably fall in love during the process. Katherine Heigl is the last person I want to watch in a romantic comedy if she is playing a protagonist of any kind. She is the least sincere actress of all time when she is trying to play someone nice or someone having nice feelings. This is a “rent” only because of Gerard Butler and only if I am incredibly desperate for something to watch and if it is free to stream at some point, but I don’t think his charm alone can save this one.

Adam – Rent



A woman falls in love with a gentleman named Adam who has Asperger syndrome, but while she’s learning a new way of life and how to love everyone else seems to be busy judging him. I’m so excited this movie is finally being released in theaters because I saved it to my Netflix queue sometime last year after IMDBing Rose Byrne in a panicked fit after going without new episodes of Damages for so long. I didn’t even know what it was about until I watched the trailer while preparing this post. I just knew she is in it with Hugh Dancy and that was all that mattered. This is only a rent because this film is getting a limited release and the theaters where it will be playing near where I live are the kinds of places you do not want to go to if you want to keep the clothes you are wearing afterwards or be remotely comfortable while watching the film.

Aliens in the Attic – No



A white family on vacation is attacked by aliens and they ban together to rid themselves of the tiny green pests. Because this is a family film, physical comedy and other laugh-out-loud antics ensue. I fear I may be reading into this film too much, but this seems like the conservative prospective on all of the other “alien invasions as a metaphor for American aggression” films that have been coming out like Monserts vs. Aliens (subtle title, by the way), Battle for Terra and District 9 (not a kids film, but the same theme). Tell me if I’m wrong.

Funny People – See



I don’t even want to give a little summary of the plot for this movie because I want to encourage people who haven’t yet seen the trailer or heard of this movie to watch it now. This looks absolutely amazing, and I hope that old guy who was sitting behind me in the movies a few months ago who said, “For a movie called ‘Funny People,’ it doesn’t have anyone funny in it,” goes to see it so I can laugh at his hypocrisy.

The Cove – No



Hayden Panettiere will go see this movie. I will not.

Janky Promoters – No

This movie was supposed to come out in March. There is no trailer—embeddable or not—available on YouTube. In the words of the great Deputy Chief Brenda Lee Johnson, “These are all very bad things.”

Thrist – No



More vampire stories. Korean with subtitles. Not my thing.